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It kills me when I think you used to want to travel with me, going on holidays, day trips to the seaside and feel so strongly about me.

It kills me when I think we used to look at places to travel for three months in a campervan, a planned route around Australia  I can see us now, smiling laughing with just a map… Gone. 

You say you love me, and I believe that you love me. Most things are still there, intimacy, holding hands, telling eachother we love eachother. But some things are different, and it kills me - I don’t think you understand how much it fucking kills me, Sam. 

You used to always be so lovely, telling me I was the most amazing girl you’d ever met and that you want to be with me forever. What changed? You used to always always want to see me, seeing me at every opportunity we had. What changed? I just don’t understand what changed.

I want to just let it be, and just be with you without worrying, I could think of nothing better than just going with it, because this is going to ruin the relationship, I know it is. But I can’t stop. You’ve told me again and again there is no reason behind the change - I just want you to love me as much as you used to and as much as I love you. And I want you to want to spend time with me again.

Am I worried things will change meaning I’ll be loosing Sam? Through my own intentions. I need to work out how i’m feeling.

FFUCCCCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to see my counsellor today and all was well - 

we concluded that I am too sensitive, soak up others emotions, retreat from bad situations and too much of a worrier. All which I knew.

I don’t know what I was hoping for - I guess I just wanted reassurance that soon I’m going to wake up and feel okay. And maybe be happy for more than an evening. It’s horrible knowing how happy I used to be in contrast with how unhappy I am now.

And this painful feeling in my chest when I think about Sam is not making matters easier, and really really just confusing me further about my current situation. Have I fallen out of love with him? Am I worried about our future? Is it just how I’m feeling that’s caused me to thinkthis? Or this that’s caused how I’m feeling?

I don’t know. And that’s frustrating. I’m really really hoping it’s how I’m feeling that’s made me feel like this - and when I overcome it things will go back to normal and happy with me and Sam becuase I don’t want to hurt and I fucking do not want to loose him. 

It’s such an odd feeling, though. I’m seeing him tomorrow so I guess I’ll try work it out… See how I feel. I just can’t overthink it or I’ll convince myself I’m feeling things I’m not.

I am completely terrified. I’m scared that I’ll never be happy again - I can’t physically see myself overcoming this and being the same old frppie and smiling and laughing and singing along to songs. Everyday I loose myself more and more. I’m scared of talking to cousellors and admitting to myself that there’s something wrong - I just want to snap out of it and wake up tomorrow and feel myself again. I’m scared when I do (if I do) get better; whether it’s through talking to cousellors or tablets or doing everything differently - I won’t be myself anyway. I’m scared this will change me and I won’t be the same person Sam fell in love with, or the same person my friends want to spend time with or just the same person who was so bubbly and positive. I’m scared I’ll never be my Daddy’s smiley girl again. I’m scared this has happened at such a crucial time in my life that it will completely fuck everything up… school, teenage years of happiness, uni, my first love. I’m scared I’ll loose Sam, through thinking that I’m fed up with worrying that me and him won’t be together forever or whatever. I’m scared I’ll never have anything to look forward to because of all of this. I just want my old self back and I’m absolutely terrified it won’t happen.

But… 

I sang in the car to Michael Bolton very loudly with my sister

I did a little dance

I still love kisses and cuddles

I AM FRANCESCA ROSE PLOWS/SMILEY GIRL/CHAFFA CAKE AND THIS IS JUST A PHASE I’M GOING THROUGH AND IT WILL BE OVER VERY SOON AND I’LL BE HAPPY. 

I love my boyf with all my heart, he’s being so supportive through this and I’ve had so many happy and amazing times with him. I don’t want him to leave but I’m so scared I’m making him miserable. 

The past three weeks have been a lot of crying to my mum and dad, a lot of worrying that my boyfriend will leave me, a lot of going to school; giving up and coming back home and a hell of a lot of wondering if I’ll ever feel happy again.

To tell the truth, through all the worry… I don’t even know if I’m sad anymore